When I say 'absolutely alone', I mean that there is no one else in the same house / apartment. If there is someone else around, even if they are in a different room, it's not the same.

I'm allergic to small talk and to meaningless linguistic shortcuts that seem to exist societally to prevent us interacting on a deep and/or emotional level. Especially men.

If I become aware I’m doing it, I try to work out where the rhythm is coming from. It could be the fridge humming or even my own heartbeat. Does that make any sense?

I’m a half glass full sort of human. Full of ideas and trying to be liked. I hate conflict and find it difficult to say no. Sometimes that takes more energy than I have to sustain.

It wraps up intuition - it’s where I am best - but it also comes from sleepwalking and having issues arrive - mental health and off the path career - I blamed myself for not asking morning of my interests and knowing myself - until later in life - sleep waking and asking others to make decisions - but actually it’s time to rely and trust that intuition git wing it more as I do know myself and plan in my own realtime way.

I think I have this habit because it's such a safe and universal way to break the ice and (re)establish a warm relational bond before "getting into it." But still. It drives me crazy.

Capitalist holidays translate into people showing their love with "things" and I often find myself explaining at great lengths why I don't want to receive or give gifts around these occasions.