I can't help following the threads, swimming in the complexity, and imagining. It feels creative, alive, almost fractal-like. But distilling things down is a fragile activity, and I can struggle to hold and express all the nuances that feel important. Maybe it’s here that my (autistic) need for coherence confronts my relentless (ADHD) capacity to imagine – and my ‘Everything, Everywhere, All At Once’ sometimes falls down like a house of cards. I think that’s why I identify with Björk’s words about music and sound, that it ‘doesn't ask questions, you don't have to explain yourself.’ And why her 'ocean through a straw' metaphor connects so deeply with me.

I have grown up to unconsciously measure everyone’s energy, mood, vibe, are they “safe”, do I need to take care of people or be careful of people? The larger the room, the more energy this costs me, the more overstimulated I get and more tired I become, intensifying my feeling of anxiety and feeling unsafe. Although there’s definitely a part introversion in this, I’ve also come to learn that part of that energy drain comes from how safe I’m feeling.

I feel the energy of the room around me from all directions. I have a sense of dread if there is movement and activity behind me in public spaces. So wherever I am, I need to find a place to sit with a backrest. In restaurants/cafes floating tables are a big no. I've tried it, but my body goes into flight or fight. At home, I eat most of my meals on the floor (preferably on a soft texture), even though I have tables. I wish there were more restaurants with floor seating in Europe.

In the woods, by the sea and on the hills, I find a quiet conversation that asks nothing of me except that I listen. I don't hear words, but I feel an energy that is ancient, patient and deeply reassuring. It reminds me that I belong to something much older than human history and much bigger than myself. This brings great comfort to me. Much of my life is spent being practical, polished and constantly adapting to the many roles I hold. Nature is where I put those roles down. This is where I feel normal.

I can’t connect with how I actually feel in that moment of being asked directly, I’m just thinking about what they expect to hear and scrambling to find the words. Why are they asking me that, what do they see? What’s the correct answer? What even are the right words beyond “good” or “bad”?

The search for freedom and to be unrestricted is real.

I picked it’s up from living in Thailand at 19. I find it distressing to use a knife & fork to eat rice, so I always ask for a spoon. Even if it seems odd.

It helps me to get out of my head and into my body before a photoshoot. It’s a ritual that reaffirms my capabilities and reassures me that all will be well.

Lack of energy is the biggest thing that underlines of all my issues. I try to eat well, but often end up eating crap to combat the tiredness and negative feelings.

I'll happily fill a silence, but don't like crowds.

Sometimes (often), I feel like my voice & way of being/thinking is not acceptable or desired. People seem to get irritated when I talk about the things I feel most passionate about. I’m late diagnosed autistic, and have been heavily masking which has caused issues with my mental health. Over the years, my sense of self has been chipped away as a result.